by Melissa Butkovich-Carraway

Positive adoption language matters because it shows respect to all parties involved (birth parents, adopted parents, and adopted individuals), educates others, reduces stigma, validates feelings, and builds healthy identities for those involved in the adoption process. Adoption language has been evolving since the 1970’s when birth family search organizations and adoption support groups developed. Adoption agencies and organizations began to better consider the feelings of those who were pregnant and contemplating an adoption plan, rather than just those who desired to adopt. Social workers and other adoption professionals began shifting their adoption language to better match the feelings of those directly involved. Positive adoption language focuses on empowering others, validating feelings, and recognizing the thoughtful and complex decisions made in placing a child for adoption and creating a family through adoption. It works to combat negative stereotypes, help those involved feel secure in their adoption journey, and frame their story positively and accurately. Some words and phrases are preferred more than others because some words and phrases are insulting or offensive to those involved in the adoption process. Positive adoption language promotes open communication and education on adoption reversing negative prejudice on the adoption process and lessening misconceptions. Read on to learn how you can use more positive adoption language!

1. “Giving up a child for adoption” or “gave up a child for adoption”

Saying “giving up” implies that the birth parent gave up on, abandoned, or failed their child. In reality, a birth parent is not giving up on their child, but making the decision that they feel is best for their child and this decision does not come lightly. It’s a tough decision and lots of consideration goes into it. Next time, try saying “placed for adoption”, “chose adoption”, or “made an adoption plan.” These phrases show more respect to the birth parent by acknowledging the difficult emotions and considerations involved in making an adoption plan.

2. “Put up for adoption”

The phrase “put up for adoption” comes from a time when children were placed on platforms and literally “put up” for others to judge them to determine if they would adopt them or not. Children who traveled on Orphan Trains stood on raised platforms for farmers and other buyers to assess their teeth, muscles, and other aspects of them to judge how adoptable they were against the other children. Like #1, instead try saying “placed for adoption”, “chose adoption”, or “made an adoption plan”.

3. The identity of the parent

The most common way to address the child’s biological parent is “birth parent” or “biological parent”, but some prefer to be called the “first parent” or “natural parent”. Some feel that being called a “birth parent” limits their relationship and role to their child after the birthing process is completed. Since language can be subjective, use what feels most appropriate to that specific person and their adoption experience.

4. The term “adoptee”

Some adults prefer not to use the word “adoptee” to describe themselves because it can feel infantilizing and more like a status than a description of their experience. Some adults prefer to say they “were adopted” or are “an adopted person” to describe themselves.

5. The “real” parent

Birth and adoptive parents are both real and neither one is more real than the other unless otherwise expressed by the adopted person. Both play an important role in the adoption process and in the life of the adopted person. One gave them life and one raised them. I once read a quote from an adopted person that said, “I couldn’t have life without one, but I couldn’t imagine my life without the other.” An adoptee may feel that one is more real than the other, based on who validates their feelings, especially their feelings towards the adoption. However, the adopted person still has two “real” sets of parents.

6. “Kept their child”

If a parent who was considering adoption decides not to go through with an adoption plan, we shouldn’t say that they “kept their child” instead we should say, “choose to parent”. This is a more accurate description of the choice that the birth parent is making. The word “keep” also implies ownership, that a child is similar to an object. Whereas “choosing to parent” is considering a more nurturing phrase and emphasizes the love, care, and connection that comes with being a parent.

7. Telling an adopted person they are “lucky”

Telling an adopted person that they are “lucky” to have been adopted ignores all the trauma that comes with adoption. All adoption stems from loss, this child lost the chance to grow up with their biological family and/or biological parents.

8. Always referring to adoptive parents as the “adoptive” parents

Always referring to adoptive parents as the “adoptive” parents rather than simply “mother / father / parent”. By constantly emphasizing and addressing the “adoptive” part of it, it may make these parents feel different than those who are parenting a biological child. Using the term “parent” can also help normalize diverse family structures and avoid distinctions. If a situation requires naming their specific role, ask the parent how they would prefer to be addressed.

Please share this information with others so that we can all use more appropriate adoption language and be aware of the preference of others. Language is subjective and always changing, so best practice is to always ask others how they would like to be described and addressed.